Category: Parents Zone

How can I avoid being biased when caring for two children?

Source: Registered Clinical Psychologist, Yiu Fong Lee

Parents are sometimes overwhelmed when faced with two children. For example, when the older sibling comes to you, the younger sibling is crying. Often, we only care for the younger sibling and neglect the older one, who may say that the parents are biased and only care for the younger one. How do we try to balance the care between the two children and make them feel equally loved?

In the case of the above, perhaps when an older sibling comes to see you, your mother should tell him, “I need to take care of the younger sibling now because he may not be feeling well or he is crying. This will let the older sibling know that his mother needs to look after his younger sibling, “but mom is also very concerned about your situation, so why don’t I come back to you later, when mum has had some time to see what you need or to talk to you?”

Of course, if both parents are at home, the work can be divided. The father will stay with the older child and the mother will stay with the younger child, but Hong Kong people are busy and there may be only one parent at home, so there is a need to prioritise. When to take care of older children? When to take care of younger children?

The second scenario is to invite older brother or sister to join you in caring for younger sibling, for example, “Why don’t you come and help me and we’ll try together to see if we can calm him down together. For example, pat him, sing to him or talk to him. If the older brother or sister does this, the mother can give recognition and encouragement: “You are really doing a good job, you are a very good brother or sister, I am really happy to have such a good little helper. This makes him feel that he can be a part of it and that he can be a big brother or sister to help us out!

But after we have comforted the junior, we need to go back to the older sibling, asking him why he was coming to me. Does he want to talk to me or play with me?

Also, the most important thing is bedtime, as this is the most intimate time for bonding. If both children are also in a stable mood, we can have a nighttime routine for the three of us before bed. For example, we can sing together, listen to stories, and give each other a pat or a back massage. Mum may be able to pat both children while singing; we may pat one child with the left hand and one with the right, and invite a bigger brother or sister to join in the patting process. Maybe he pats his mom with one hand and his younger brother with the other, so that there is an intimate moment shared by the three of us, and sleep is like a relationship with the parents, but at the same time a time when the three of us are together.

We need to create regular and separate one-to-one special parent-child time, for example, mom with the older child on Monday evenings from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and dad with the younger child on Tuesday evenings from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m.

In this way, the roles of the parents are switched and they spend time with different children, one on one, so that they can feel that their parents have a close time with them during this special parent-child time and so that the child can choose what he likes to play with, and then the parents follow the child’s suggestions and let the child take the lead.

For example, if he wants to play with toys, be with him; if he wants to play board games, be with him. At that time, just accompany him wholeheartedly. You may describe how he is feeling at the moment or what he is doing, so that he can feel that his parents are willing to give their time and love to him, and you may also plan for his siblings to have this special bonding time so that they can feel that their parents love them equally. We hope that the above methods will help parents manage the relationship between the two children so that they can feel equally loved by their parents.

How can parents solve the situation when children frequently throw tantrums？

Source: Senior Parenting Education Expert, Bally

It is easy to see whether parents are competent based on how they handle a child’s tantrums. If a child is yelling and screaming, can parents quickly calm the child’s emotions? Some competent parents simply crouch down, make eye contact, and hold their child tightly while gently asking, “Why are you crying? Don’t throw tantrums.”

Our first priority is to help the child regain control of their emotions. If they can’t control their emotions, they won’t be able to hear anything. We shouldn’t try to teach or scold them when their emotions are high because they often won’t listen. If a child throws a tantrum and we can’t control our own emotions, raising our voice and scolding them louder will only make them escalate further. Therefore, we must be able to teach children to control their emotions.

Sometimes we see children in supermarkets throwing tantrums, shouting, crying, and even rolling on the floor. When this happens, the child is already challenging the boundaries set by adults. If at that moment, we are afraid of embarrassment or concerned about how others will perceive us, and we try to compromise just to calm things down, then we are teaching the child to reach such a level in the future. We might say, “If you scream and roll on the floor, I will buy it for you, but if you don’t, I won’t.” Therefore, we must lead by example when teaching children and not worry about how others perceive us.

What would be a more appropriate approach to handling the situation? Parents should set aside everything and crouch down to talk to the child, saying, “Mom just told you earlier that we won’t be buying anything. Do you remember? If you really want to throw a tantrum, Mom won’t buy anything at all. Let go of everything, and let’s go home.” Because we need to persist consistently, the child will understand that they cannot challenge their parents, and they won’t escalate their behavior.

Many times, parents are not aware of their own language expression, and they may unintentionally encourage children to cry. In reality, if we frequently say, “Don’t!” the child will only hear that word. For example, if we say, “Don’t cry anymore,” the child will only hear the word “cry.” So what should we ask them to do instead? “You should calm down, wipe away your tears, and be calm before I talk to you.” If we stand upright, speaking loudly, and say, “If you dare to cry again, just wait and see what I will do…”, the child’s anger will only intensify. Therefore, we need to pay attention to our words and actions and encourage them in a positive manner.

When faced with problems such as a child throwing tantrums, refusing to do homework, or not wanting to eat, we often get stuck in that particular issue. How can we make the child finish quickly so that we can move on to another activity? We need to think of the next “reward” for them. For example, if the child dislikes doing homework, we can say, “How about this? If we finish within 15 minutes, we can read a book together, watch cartoons, play with building blocks, or play with toys.” These are things that children enjoy and look forward to, so we should keep emphasizing and magnifying these activities.

We need to show them the future consequences that are directly linked to their current behavior. If the child cries or throws tantrums at home during the process, parents often place them in a “Quiet Corner” where they can calm their emotions. This can be done in their familiar and safe room or on their bed, allowing them to gradually stop crying.

If competent parents have enough ability to make the child reflect and express themselves, they could say, “Mommy is really sorry. I feel like I was wrong earlier.” Assigning roles can make it easier, for example, when the mother is doing homework with the child and the child starts throwing tantrums and refusing to do it. The mother can say, “Go to your room now, sit on your own bed, and think about what you did wrong.”

Then the father or another person can enter the room and tell the child, “Do you know that you made Mommy very unhappy just now? Do you know that she will be very angry?” We share our adult world, thoughts, and feelings with the child, helping them understand and willingly say, “I really made a mistake. I was really wrong. I’m sorry, Mommy.”

Children don’t want to come home after going out. What should parents do?

Source：Registered Clinical Psychologist, Yiu Fong Lee

Sometimes, when parents go out with their children, they often encounter situations where the children are having a great time but then start crying and refuse to go home. They cry uncontrollably, regardless of whether we try to coax them, punish them, or explain the reasons. They may continue crying persistently, and we really don’t know what to do. How can we handle such situations with our children?

First, we need to understand the child’s emotions and ask about the reasons behind their reluctance to go home. What is the reason that makes them not want to go home? Do they want to continue playing? Parents can say to them, “I also want to know what happened. Why don’t you tell me?” Sometimes, in clinical practice, we may hear several different possibilities. For example, the child may say, “I’m very happy because it’s really fun here, and I want to keep playing,” or “I’m scared to go home because I’ll have to do homework or study,” or “I’m afraid of some relatives at home because they might scold me.” By understanding the reasons, we can help the child express their emotions.

The mother can respond by saying, “Mom hears you. You want to continue experiencing this feeling of happiness,” or “Mom hears you. You’re afraid of studying or feel a lot of pressure with exams,” or a third response could be, “You feel scared of certain people at home, and it seems like you’re not happy being around them.” Then, we can brainstorm together with the child to find ways to deal with the situations mentioned above.

For example, in the first scenario where the child wants to continue experiencing the happy feeling, we can brainstorm with them about activities they can do at home that would give them the same sense of happiness. For instance, if they enjoy watching TV, playing on a tablet, or playing board games, they can continue engaging in similar activities or play with toys at home once they return.

The second scenario might involve fear of academic pressure and exams. The mother should explain to the child how to cope with study-related stress. For example, they can create a schedule where different tasks or homework are assigned to different times, letting the child know that after effectively completing these tasks, they will have leisure time. Parents can also engage in mindfulness exercises with the child, such as focused breathing or body scanning, allowing them to feel sensations in different parts of their body and helping reduce stress reactions. Parents can practice together with the child, allowing them to relax and not feel overly anxious about studying and exams.

If the issue revolves around the child’s relationship with family members, it is encouraged to allocate more playtime with relatives or engage in activities the child particularly enjoys together with them. It is also important to have moments of quiet listening, to truly understand what the child fears about the elders. We let them express their thoughts and feelings and listen attentively, making the child feel that the parents understand their world and know their needs.

Another approach is to create a behavior-consequence matching chart with the child before going out, as a form of mental preparation. For example, write down the specific time range for visiting an entertainment venue on the chart. If the child can adhere to the schedule and leave the venue on time, they will earn a reward symbol on the chart. This immediate reward could be their favorite food or the opportunity to obtain their favorite toy.

If the child refuses to leave the entertainment venue, throws a tantrum, or arrives home late, we will also assign a negative symbol on the behavior-consequence matching chart, indicating a negative consequence. For example, it could involve taking away all entertainment privileges for the rest of the evening or even not being able to visit their favorite entertainment venue for a week. This behavior-consequence matching chart should be discussed and created together with the child before going out, and its contents should be reviewed after each outing to ensure its appropriateness. Adjustments can be made to the chart, adding or removing consequences, to provide the child with a clear goal to follow, making them realize that they are expected to return home.

What should parents do when a 3-year-old child throws a tantrum because things don’t go their way?

Source: Clinical psychologist, Yu Kwok Ting, from Caritas Rehabilitation Service

Children often have their own ideas, but sometimes when they encounter something they don’t like, they may resort to crying and throwing a tantrum to try to get their way. However, a child’s crying can often hit a parent’s weak spot and make them give in, which actually sets off a vicious cycle.

We need to understand that the frequency of a child’s behavior is related to its consequences. Simply put, if we do something and the consequence is good, we are more likely to do that behavior again; if we do something and the consequence is bad, we naturally won’t do that behavior again.

Younger children cannot fully grasp their understanding of the world and what they should and should not do. They only have a vague concept, so when parents try to explain to them why they should or should not do something, children may not fully understand even after listening.

If a 3-year-old child is upset before bedtime, parents can set up a reward plan with them. Every child in each family is different, and parents can teach their child: “I will only ask you to go to bed three times at most every night. If you can go to bed within those three times, you will get a sticker or stamp for that day. When you have collected a certain number of stickers or stamps, you can exchange them for a reward.” The reward can be a gift or an activity, such as going to a special place with the family.

When a child refuses to sleep at night and only wants to watch TV, parents need to remind them: “This is the first time we’re reminding you to go to bed.” If they still refuse to go to bed, parents should remind them that they will get a sticker if they go to bed within three reminders. At the same time, parents should bring out a notebook and stickers to show the child. If the child still refuses to go to bed after the second reminder, parents should say, “This is the second reminder; please go to bed. You can still get a sticker if you go to bed now.” If the child still doesn’t comply after the third reminder, parents should say, “We’ve reminded you three times already, and you still haven’t gone to bed. We won’t give you a sticker, and we’ll have to put things away now.”

The child may become emotional and cry, and may even demand stickers or TV. At this time, it’s important for parents not to give in and let the child watch TV or receive a sticker. If the child is able to succeed in getting a sticker or watching TV, they will learn that if they cry for long enough, they will get a good result.

Parents need to be firm and prepared for a prolonged battle at this time. They can remind themselves that this is a difficult but ultimately beneficial process. When the child continues to cry without getting a sticker or TV, they will gradually learn that being emotional doesn’t work. Not only does it not work, but it also means they won’t get a sticker or watch TV, which is not good. Gradually, they will learn not to use this method and will try to do what their parents ask them to do in order to earn stickers.

Parents often feel that using reward programs or tempting children with prizes is not good, and they feel that it is bribery behavior towards children. However, the biggest difference between reward and bribery is time. Usually, bribery occurs when the child is already uncooperative and the parent offers a sticker if the child goes to bed now. This belongs to bribery. But rewards are predetermined in advance and not given when the child is throwing a tantrum or having a mood swing to motivate them to do something good.

Reward items are a way to increase their motivation. Reward items can be gifts or food. If parents feel that it is too materialistic, it can also be an opportunity for an activity or verbal praise. Verbal praise can also increase the child’s motivation. As the child grows up, this kind of reward may not need to be so externalized. They will gradually receive rewards from their parents’ words or actions, and it will become a reward in their own minds.

When they slowly do well, they no longer need external motivation. They will give themselves motivation and think, “I have grown up, I can do it, I am smarter.” So, the reward program does not need to be done for a lifetime, but we need to give them a small incentive when they do not understand the world and their values are not very strong at the beginning, and over time we can gradually reduce the rewards.

Finally, parents need to understand that there are many factors that need to come together for a reward program to be successful. The adults in the family also need to implement the reward program consistently. It cannot be just the father giving stickers while the mother does not.

Secondly, we need to follow through. Thirdly, some things need to be done immediately. For example, if something happens at night, we need to give stickers right away and not wait for a week to do so. Fourthly, we need to be flexible. If the child wants to change the reward item every time, we should cooperate and not give the same gift every month.

If parents have set up a reward program at home and feel that it is not effective, there may be some adjustments needed in these details. If parents feel that it is not very effective, they can seek advice from teachers, social workers in the community, or other professionals to discuss how to adjust the reward program to help children do well.

Can children strengthen their limb muscles at home?

Source: Registered Physiotherapist, Hui Wing Yee

Children have a heavy academic workload and spend more time at home, losing many opportunities to exercise. However, the development of children’s limb muscles is very important, and some stretching exercises for the waist and upper limbs can be done at home.

The first set of exercises is the lunge and twist, which helps to exercise the core muscles and lower limb muscles. First, open your feet to hip width, place your hands on both sides of your body, step out with your right foot to maintain a 90-degree angle on both knees, open your hands with palms facing forward, slowly turn to the right, and hold for two seconds. Then return to the original position with hands hanging down, repeating on both sides ten times.

The second set of exercises is quadruped limb raises. These exercises help strengthen our back and limb muscles. If possible, use a yoga mat to avoid putting pressure on your knees. First, start on all fours with your hands shoulder-width apart and your knees hip-width apart. Lift your right hand and left leg straight out, creating a horizontal line. Tighten your back and abdominal muscles, hold for two seconds, then switch to your left hand and right leg. Alternate between both sides for a total of ten reps.

How can parents help young children adapt to primary school life both psychologically and physically?

Source:  Professor Chiu Wing Kai, Chair Professor of Sociology at the Education University of Hong Kong.

It’s already been 3 months into 2023 and summer vacation will be coming soon, followed by the start of the new school year in September. For K3 students to start their primary school life. However, these students have spent most of their 3-year kindergarten education in online classes due to the pandemic, with little face-to-face interaction. How can parents help them adapt to their new academic and social life in terms of their psychological and physical well-being?

Students who are promoted to Primary 1 are at most at K2 level because they have not returned to school for at least one full year. There are many things they need to adapt to when transitioning from kindergarten to primary school. These include school schedules, daily routines, and learning styles that are vastly different from what they are used to. Kindergarten classes typically last for around 20 minutes, after which they move on to another subject, but in primary school, classes can be 35 minutes or longer, making it difficult for them to maintain their focus. All of these issues can create significant adaptation problems for young students.

So how can parents explain these changes to their children? Firstly, parents should not be too anxious, as many primary schools offer simulation courses and adaptation weeks for new students, as well as school visits. Primary schools are usually much larger than kindergartens, and young students may be excited about the various facilities and opportunities available to them. However, it is best to start talking to them once they begin school, as too much information too soon may be overwhelming. Simply telling them, “Yes, this is what school is like” is often enough.

Additionally, some things that young students may not be capable of now do not mean they cannot accomplish them, they just need time to grow and develop. Parents need to remember that every child has a different growth rate. After starting school, observe their emotional changes when they return home from school, and if you notice any issues, pay close attention to them

It takes time for young children to adapt, but sometimes parents also need to adapt. In kindergarten, we refer to it as the Homeroom(regular class location), where one teacher leads the class, and children usually only see one or two teachers. If parents need to participate or collaborate with the school, they can simply find that teacher. In primary school, each subject has different teachers, so if any issues arise, parents need to consider how to communicate with each teacher.

家長如何幫助幼童在心理同生理上適應小學生活？ 

資料來源：香港教育大學社會學講座教授趙永佳教授

2023年已過了3個多月，暑假很快又會到，然後又到9月開學日。這意味著一班K3同學

準備迎接小學生活，但這班同學過去3年幼稚園生涯，大多都在疫情下的網課經過，甚少面授課程，又少機會與人接觸。家長可以如何幫助他們在心理和生理上適應升小生活？

升小一的同學最多只是等於K2程度，因為他們最少有一整年沒有回學校上課，而從幼稚園到小學，本來就已經有很多東西要適應，例如上學時間、在學校裡一些生活上的細節，甚至整個周期和學習模式都不同了。幼稚園一節課大約20分鐘左右，然後已經要轉另一節課，但是在小學可能是35分鐘或以上，很難維持集中力，所有這些問題，都會對小朋友造成很大的適應問題。

如何跟小朋友說明幼小交接的變化才是最好呢？首先家長不要太緊張，有很多小學會舉辦模擬課程，會有適應週，亦可參觀學校。小學比幼稚園大，小朋友可能會感到很高興，因為有很多不同的設備，他可能會有很多期待。但是我覺得有些事情要先開始才知道，太早和他說太多也沒有用，只能告訴他：「對，學校就是這樣。」

另外，有些事情小朋友現在還未能做到，並不代表他做不到，要待他長大。家長很多時候都是這樣，有些事情是沒有辦法，不能勉強的，而是要等待小朋友成長到那個階段才能做到，要記住每個小朋友的成長速度都不同。剛開學後他們放學回來，可觀察他情感的轉變，如果看到他有這些情況就要注意了。

小朋友的適應是需要時間的，但有時家長也要適應。在幼稚園我們稱為Homeroom（固定上課地點），由一名老師帶領，所以小朋友只會經常看到一兩位老師。如果在家長參與或家校協作時，很簡單只要找回那位老師便可。在小學，每個科目都有不同的老師，所以有時候出現狀況時，我們就要思考怎樣和老師溝通。

What should parents do if their children are being teased and bullied?

Source: Psychologist, Lee Wai Tong

Currently, schools have fully resumed classes, and children have more time to spend with their classmates. Sometimes, children may be teased or bullied at school. When they don’t know how to express these emotions, they may react with aggressive behavior, which may be misunderstood by teachers.

For example, in a class of children playing together, one child may be teased for not performing well. At this moment, the child may not know how to handle the feeling of being teased or bullied, so when given the opportunity, the child may push or kick things, or even lie on the ground and scream. When the teacher arrives and sees this scene, they may naturally think that the problem lies with the child and may scold or lecture them. However, the teacher may not have noticed what happened before the incident.

When facing bullying or teasing, children often don’t know how to ease their feelings, which becomes a headache for many parents. In fact, when children are bullied or teased in daily life, they usually seek comfort from their parents first. If parents can comfort their children appropriately, such as if the child says to their mother, “Mom, they are making fun of me,” and the mother can comfort the child by patting them and saying, “Yes, sometimes some kids do that; it’s okay.” At this moment, it is a critical time, and the child will internalize this comforting feeling.

When the child returns to school and is teased again, because they received comfort from their parents before, they can comfort themselves or even ignore others’ teasing and continue playing or doing their own thing. This reduces the possibility of unnecessary misunderstandings by the teacher, who may think the child is misbehaving, pushing others, kicking things, or screaming. Of course, on the other hand, if the teacher can timely ask the child about the cause and effect of the incident, it is also a good method to let the child express their grievances and calm their emotions.

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Source: Registered Dietitian (Public Health) (UK), Ng Pui-Yu

Many kids have dry skin or even eczema, and their parents work hard to find the right moisturizers and other skin care products for them. In fact, in addition to topical skincare products, we should also pay attention to children’s diets. The most direct way, of course, is to drink more water. How much water should be drunk?

In fact, our body’s need for water is deeply influenced by the weather. For example, in dry weather, we need more water, as well as to account for children’s activity levels and how much they sweat. The water content in food also affects their need for water. If a child urinates every 3 to 4 hours and the urine is light yellow with no strong odor and the stool is not very hard and does not cause difficulty during bowel movements, it usually means that their water intake is sufficient.

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For children aged 2 to 5, they need about 4 to 5 cups of fluid a day, and water should be the main source. Unsaturated fatty acids, like omega-3, are also important for maintaining the integrity of cell membranes, which keep harmful substances out and keep the skin moist and flexible. Omega-3 fatty acids can also help calm immune responses that are too strong in people with skin allergies or eczema.

We should also avoid certain foods, such as candies, cookies, and white bread, which are refined foods. Instead, we should choose low-glycemic index foods, such as brown rice and whole wheat bread, which are important for controlling sensitive conditions. Antioxidants, including common vitamins A, C, and E, are also important and can be found in fruits, vegetables, and nuts of different colors, making them great sources of antioxidants.

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In summary, to have healthy skin, in addition to having enough water, you should eat high-fat fish such as salmon or yellow croaker twice a week. You can also replace some cookies and candy with plain nuts, fruits, and so on, and it is ideal to eat a variety of vegetables and fruits.

By the way, if a child’s chewing ability is not well developed, there is a chance of choking when eating nuts. Therefore, we should choose some smaller nuts, such as pine nuts, which are also a good option.

Punishment or reward?

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Source: Dr. Law Wai Pak, Assistant Professor of the Department of Psychology at the Education University of Hong Kong and a registered educational psychologist

When it comes to getting their kids to study, many parents feel very frustrated and wish their kids could be self-motivated. When it comes to improving their children’s motivation to learn, many parents first think of using rewards and punishments. But which is more effective, using a stick or a carrot?

In fact, I believe that most modern parents understand that punishment is not a very effective method because it can hurt children’s bodies and undermine their self-esteem. Does this mean that using rewards is more effective? For example, “If you finish your book, you can have a pack of chips.” However, this method also carries hidden risks.

First of all, this reward often has to be constantly increased in order to be effective. Secondly, when there are no rewards, children will not automatically be motivated to study. Besides using punishment and reward, is there a third way?

Here, I would like to introduce three treasures to everyone: “sense of competence,” “sense of autonomy,” and “sense of relatedness.” What is the sense of competence? It is the belief that a child can learn new things and handle challenges. Parents can choose some challenging learning materials or homework that is not too difficult or easy for their children. For example, when they come to the library to choose a book, they should not choose a book with too many difficult words. Children should at least understand 70–80% of the words in the book. In addition, parents should provide more positive and helpful feedback to their children, appreciate their efforts, and brainstorm problem-solving methods with them.

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The second thing is the sense of autonomy. Sometimes children may have a high sense of ability, but they will not learn autonomously when they feel oppressed. What can parents do to enhance their children’s sense of autonomy? You can let them make more decisions, encourage them when they study, and only offer help when they need it. Also, don’t give them too many instructions or use rewards and punishments inappropriately, as this can erode their sense of autonomy.

Third, it’s the sense of relationship. Since birth, everyone has had a need to be loved and cared for, and when children feel loved and cared for, they develop trust in their parents. When you ask them to study again, they will take it more seriously. How can parents strengthen their sense of relationship with their children? Listen to them more often, express empathy, and interact with them with a warm attitude. The most important thing is unconditional love, which means loving them regardless of whether their grades are good or bad.

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If next time we urge children to study but they refuse, we can start with these three aspects: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Stop and think: How can I satisfy the child’s needs in these three areas? When these three needs are met, children will naturally and automatically learn and grow.