作者: system
How can I avoid being biased when caring for two children?
Source: Registered Clinical Psychologist, Yiu Fong Lee
Parents are sometimes overwhelmed when faced with two children. For example, when the older sibling comes to you, the younger sibling is crying. Often, we only care for the younger sibling and neglect the older one, who may say that the parents are biased and only care for the younger one. How do we try to balance the care between the two children and make them feel equally loved?
In the case of the above, perhaps when an older sibling comes to see you, your mother should tell him, “I need to take care of the younger sibling now because he may not be feeling well or he is crying. This will let the older sibling know that his mother needs to look after his younger sibling, “but mom is also very concerned about your situation, so why don’t I come back to you later, when mum has had some time to see what you need or to talk to you?”
Of course, if both parents are at home, the work can be divided. The father will stay with the older child and the mother will stay with the younger child, but Hong Kong people are busy and there may be only one parent at home, so there is a need to prioritise. When to take care of older children? When to take care of younger children?
The second scenario is to invite older brother or sister to join you in caring for younger sibling, for example, “Why don’t you come and help me and we’ll try together to see if we can calm him down together. For example, pat him, sing to him or talk to him. If the older brother or sister does this, the mother can give recognition and encouragement: “You are really doing a good job, you are a very good brother or sister, I am really happy to have such a good little helper. This makes him feel that he can be a part of it and that he can be a big brother or sister to help us out!
But after we have comforted the junior, we need to go back to the older sibling, asking him why he was coming to me. Does he want to talk to me or play with me?
Also, the most important thing is bedtime, as this is the most intimate time for bonding. If both children are also in a stable mood, we can have a nighttime routine for the three of us before bed. For example, we can sing together, listen to stories, and give each other a pat or a back massage. Mum may be able to pat both children while singing; we may pat one child with the left hand and one with the right, and invite a bigger brother or sister to join in the patting process. Maybe he pats his mom with one hand and his younger brother with the other, so that there is an intimate moment shared by the three of us, and sleep is like a relationship with the parents, but at the same time a time when the three of us are together.
We need to create regular and separate one-to-one special parent-child time, for example, mom with the older child on Monday evenings from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m. and dad with the younger child on Tuesday evenings from 7 p.m. to 8 p.m.
In this way, the roles of the parents are switched and they spend time with different children, one on one, so that they can feel that their parents have a close time with them during this special parent-child time and so that the child can choose what he likes to play with, and then the parents follow the child’s suggestions and let the child take the lead.
For example, if he wants to play with toys, be with him; if he wants to play board games, be with him. At that time, just accompany him wholeheartedly. You may describe how he is feeling at the moment or what he is doing, so that he can feel that his parents are willing to give their time and love to him, and you may also plan for his siblings to have this special bonding time so that they can feel that their parents love them equally. We hope that the above methods will help parents manage the relationship between the two children so that they can feel equally loved by their parents.
照顧兩個小朋友如何避免偏心？
資料來源：註冊臨床心理學家 饒方莉
家長有時面對兩個小朋友的時候，都會不知所措。例如可能當哥哥姐姐過來找你時，年紀小的弟妹就在哭。我們很多時只顧及弟妹，而忽略了哥哥姐姐，大的可能會說父母偏心只會關心弟妹。我們如何盡量平衡在兩個小朋友之間的照顧和使他們感覺到一樣的愛護？
以剛剛的例子，可能當哥哥姐姐過來找你的時侯，媽媽要跟他說：「現在我需要照顧弟弟或妹妹因為他可能身體不適或他正在哭。」這可以令哥哥姐姐知道原來媽媽需要照顧弟妹，「但是媽媽也很關心你的情況，不如稍後媽媽過了一些時間，我再過來找你看看你的需要或和你聊天。」
當然如果父母都在家時，便可以分工。爸爸陪伴年紀大的孩子，媽媽陪伴年紀小的孩子，但是香港人都比較繁忙，可能只有一位家長在家，也需要排一個優先次序。甚麼時候照顧年紀大的孩子？甚麼時候照顧年紀小的孩子？
第二個情況是可以邀請哥哥或姐姐一起照顧弟妹，例如說：「不如你過來幫我，我們一起嘗試能否安撫弟妹的情緒。例如拍拍他、跟他唱歌或和他聊天。」如果大哥哥或姐姐做到時，媽媽可以給予肯定和鼓勵：「你真的做得很好，是一個很好的哥哥或姐姐，媽媽真的很開心有一個這樣得力的小幫手。」這使他感覺到他也可以參與其中，可以做一個哥哥姐姐的角色去幫忙。
但是當我們安撫完弟妹的情緒後，我們也需要回到哥哥或姐姐身邊與他聊天，問他剛才為甚麼找我呢？他是想和我聊天還是想與我玩呢？
另外，最重要的是晚上睡覺的時間，因為這是最親密的親子時間。如果兩個的情緒也比較穩定，我們可以有一個三人一起的夜間睡前常規，例如是一起唱歌、聽故事、拍一下或掃背按摩等。媽媽可能在唱歌時能拍着兩個小朋友，我們可能左手右手各拍一個小朋友，並邀請哥哥或姐姐也一起參與拍拍的過程。可能他一隻手拍着媽媽，一隻手就拍着弟妹，這樣就好像有個三人一起分享的親密時刻，使睡覺也像與家長建立一種關係，而同時是三人一起的時刻。
我們需要建立一些恆常和獨立的一對一的特別親子時間，例如是星期一晚上七時至八時就是媽媽與年長的孩子，星期二晚上七時至八時就是爸爸與年幼的孩子。
如此類推把父母的角色調換，與不同的小朋友相處，一對一的，使他們在這個特別的親子時間，能感受到父母跟自己有一個親密相處的時光，使孩子選擇他喜歡玩的東西，然後家長就是跟從孩子建議，讓孩子作主導。
例如他想玩玩具就陪伴他，他想玩桌上遊戲就陪伴他，在當下就全心全意陪伴他，可以形容他當下的感受心情或是他正在做甚麼，令孩子感受到家長是很願意付出時間和很有愛地陪伴他，也規劃了弟妹和哥姐也有這種特別的親子時間，讓他們感覺到父母是平等地疼愛自己。希望以上方法能幫助家長處理兩個小朋友的相處，使他們覺得可以平均地感受到父母的疼愛。
How can parents solve the situation when children frequently throw tantrums？
Source: Senior Parenting Education Expert, Bally
It is easy to see whether parents are competent based on how they handle a child’s tantrums. If a child is yelling and screaming, can parents quickly calm the child’s emotions? Some competent parents simply crouch down, make eye contact, and hold their child tightly while gently asking, “Why are you crying? Don’t throw tantrums.”
Our first priority is to help the child regain control of their emotions. If they can’t control their emotions, they won’t be able to hear anything. We shouldn’t try to teach or scold them when their emotions are high because they often won’t listen. If a child throws a tantrum and we can’t control our own emotions, raising our voice and scolding them louder will only make them escalate further. Therefore, we must be able to teach children to control their emotions.
Sometimes we see children in supermarkets throwing tantrums, shouting, crying, and even rolling on the floor. When this happens, the child is already challenging the boundaries set by adults. If at that moment, we are afraid of embarrassment or concerned about how others will perceive us, and we try to compromise just to calm things down, then we are teaching the child to reach such a level in the future. We might say, “If you scream and roll on the floor, I will buy it for you, but if you don’t, I won’t.” Therefore, we must lead by example when teaching children and not worry about how others perceive us.
What would be a more appropriate approach to handling the situation? Parents should set aside everything and crouch down to talk to the child, saying, “Mom just told you earlier that we won’t be buying anything. Do you remember? If you really want to throw a tantrum, Mom won’t buy anything at all. Let go of everything, and let’s go home.” Because we need to persist consistently, the child will understand that they cannot challenge their parents, and they won’t escalate their behavior.
Many times, parents are not aware of their own language expression, and they may unintentionally encourage children to cry. In reality, if we frequently say, “Don’t!” the child will only hear that word. For example, if we say, “Don’t cry anymore,” the child will only hear the word “cry.” So what should we ask them to do instead? “You should calm down, wipe away your tears, and be calm before I talk to you.” If we stand upright, speaking loudly, and say, “If you dare to cry again, just wait and see what I will do…”, the child’s anger will only intensify. Therefore, we need to pay attention to our words and actions and encourage them in a positive manner.
When faced with problems such as a child throwing tantrums, refusing to do homework, or not wanting to eat, we often get stuck in that particular issue. How can we make the child finish quickly so that we can move on to another activity? We need to think of the next “reward” for them. For example, if the child dislikes doing homework, we can say, “How about this? If we finish within 15 minutes, we can read a book together, watch cartoons, play with building blocks, or play with toys.” These are things that children enjoy and look forward to, so we should keep emphasizing and magnifying these activities.
We need to show them the future consequences that are directly linked to their current behavior. If the child cries or throws tantrums at home during the process, parents often place them in a “Quiet Corner” where they can calm their emotions. This can be done in their familiar and safe room or on their bed, allowing them to gradually stop crying.
If competent parents have enough ability to make the child reflect and express themselves, they could say, “Mommy is really sorry. I feel like I was wrong earlier.” Assigning roles can make it easier, for example, when the mother is doing homework with the child and the child starts throwing tantrums and refusing to do it. The mother can say, “Go to your room now, sit on your own bed, and think about what you did wrong.”
Then the father or another person can enter the room and tell the child, “Do you know that you made Mommy very unhappy just now? Do you know that she will be very angry?” We share our adult world, thoughts, and feelings with the child, helping them understand and willingly say, “I really made a mistake. I was really wrong. I’m sorry, Mommy.”
小朋友經常發脾氣 家長可如何拆解？
資料來源：資深親職教育專家Bally
當小朋友發脾氣，很容易看到父母的處理手法是否一個稱職的父母。如果小朋友大叫大喊，身為父母的能否很快地令小朋友的情緒減低？有些稱職的父母只是很簡單，會馬上蹲下、眼神接觸及抱緊孩子，很溫柔地問：「你為甚麼會哭？不要鬧別扭吧。」
我們第一要令小朋友控制到情緒，如果控制不到情緒，他就甚麼也聽不到。我們不要在他情緒高漲時教他或罵他，他們往往都聽不入耳。如果小朋友發脾氣，而我們的情緒也控制不到，更加大聲地責罵他，他也會愈來愈大聲，所以我們一定要做到教小朋友控制情緒。
我們不時會在超市看到一些小朋友耍別扭、大叫或大哭直至在地上打滾，去到這種情況其實小朋友已經在挑戰成人的底線。如果到時候我們因為怕尷尬或怕不知道別人會怎樣看我們，我們想息事寧人，從而妥協。如果是這樣的話，代表我們在教小朋友下次要達到這種地步，大叫打滾我就會買給你了，如果你不這樣做我就不會買了。所以我們教小朋友一定要身體力行，和不要介意別人怎樣看。
如何處理會比較合適？家長應放下所有事情，蹲下跟小朋友說話：「剛才媽媽跟你說待會不准買東西的，你記得的。如果你真的要發脾氣，媽媽就甚麼也不買。放下所有東西，我們回家。」因為你要想想我們一次兩次三次地堅持，小朋友就會明白他們是不能挑戰父母，他就不會愈來愈大聲。
很多時候家長沒有留意自己的語言表達，可能在鼓勵小朋友哭，其實如果我們經常說：「不要！」當小朋友就會聽到那個字，例如說：「你不要再哭了」，小朋友只會聽到「哭」字。其實我們應該叫他們做甚麼呢？「你應該冷靜下來，擦乾淨眼淚，平心靜氣，我才跟你說話。」如果我們叉起腰很大聲地說：「你試試再哭，信不信我一會兒怎樣怎樣⋯⋯」其實小朋友的行戈大火只會愈來愈嚴重，所以我們要留意我們的言行，要正面地鼓勵他。
如果我們遇到問題，小朋友發脾氣耍別扭、不做功課或不想吃飯，我們很多時候會糾纏在那件事。我們怎樣可以令小朋友盡快做完，然後可以做另一樣事情？我們要想下一個「甜品」給他，例如他很不喜歡做功課，我們可以說：「不如這樣，我們在15分鐘內做完，我們就可以一起看書、看卡通片、砌積木或玩玩具。」這些是小朋友很喜歡和很嚮往的，我們就要不停放大這些事情。
我們要讓他看到將來的結果，是跟他現在的行為掛勾的。如果小朋友在過程中在家裡大哭或耍別扭，家長很多時候都會放他在一個Quiet Corner(冷靜區)，叫他先靜靜地平復情緒。可能在他最熟悉最安全的房間內或在他的床上，讓他慢慢停止哭泣。
如果一個稱職的父母有足夠的能力令小朋友思考完，表達： 「媽媽真的對不起 我覺得自己剛才不對。」父母分配角色會更容易，例如媽媽跟小朋友做功課時
小朋友在發脾氣不願做，又大喊大叫。媽媽可叫他：「你現在回房間，坐在自己床上，想清楚自己做錯甚麼。」
然後爸爸或其他人走進房間，告訴小朋友：「你知不知道剛才激得媽媽很不開心，你知不知道她會很生氣？」我們把我們的成人世界、思想及感受告訴他，讓他明白並心甘情願地說：「我真的做錯了，我真的不對，對不起媽媽。」
Children don’t want to come home after going out. What should parents do?
Source：Registered Clinical Psychologist, Yiu Fong Lee
Sometimes, when parents go out with their children, they often encounter situations where the children are having a great time but then start crying and refuse to go home. They cry uncontrollably, regardless of whether we try to coax them, punish them, or explain the reasons. They may continue crying persistently, and we really don’t know what to do. How can we handle such situations with our children?
First, we need to understand the child’s emotions and ask about the reasons behind their reluctance to go home. What is the reason that makes them not want to go home? Do they want to continue playing? Parents can say to them, “I also want to know what happened. Why don’t you tell me?” Sometimes, in clinical practice, we may hear several different possibilities. For example, the child may say, “I’m very happy because it’s really fun here, and I want to keep playing,” or “I’m scared to go home because I’ll have to do homework or study,” or “I’m afraid of some relatives at home because they might scold me.” By understanding the reasons, we can help the child express their emotions.
The mother can respond by saying, “Mom hears you. You want to continue experiencing this feeling of happiness,” or “Mom hears you. You’re afraid of studying or feel a lot of pressure with exams,” or a third response could be, “You feel scared of certain people at home, and it seems like you’re not happy being around them.” Then, we can brainstorm together with the child to find ways to deal with the situations mentioned above.
For example, in the first scenario where the child wants to continue experiencing the happy feeling, we can brainstorm with them about activities they can do at home that would give them the same sense of happiness. For instance, if they enjoy watching TV, playing on a tablet, or playing board games, they can continue engaging in similar activities or play with toys at home once they return.
The second scenario might involve fear of academic pressure and exams. The mother should explain to the child how to cope with study-related stress. For example, they can create a schedule where different tasks or homework are assigned to different times, letting the child know that after effectively completing these tasks, they will have leisure time. Parents can also engage in mindfulness exercises with the child, such as focused breathing or body scanning, allowing them to feel sensations in different parts of their body and helping reduce stress reactions. Parents can practice together with the child, allowing them to relax and not feel overly anxious about studying and exams.
If the issue revolves around the child’s relationship with family members, it is encouraged to allocate more playtime with relatives or engage in activities the child particularly enjoys together with them. It is also important to have moments of quiet listening, to truly understand what the child fears about the elders. We let them express their thoughts and feelings and listen attentively, making the child feel that the parents understand their world and know their needs.
Another approach is to create a behavior-consequence matching chart with the child before going out, as a form of mental preparation. For example, write down the specific time range for visiting an entertainment venue on the chart. If the child can adhere to the schedule and leave the venue on time, they will earn a reward symbol on the chart. This immediate reward could be their favorite food or the opportunity to obtain their favorite toy.
If the child refuses to leave the entertainment venue, throws a tantrum, or arrives home late, we will also assign a negative symbol on the behavior-consequence matching chart, indicating a negative consequence. For example, it could involve taking away all entertainment privileges for the rest of the evening or even not being able to visit their favorite entertainment venue for a week. This behavior-consequence matching chart should be discussed and created together with the child before going out, and its contents should be reviewed after each outing to ensure its appropriateness. Adjustments can be made to the chart, adding or removing consequences, to provide the child with a clear goal to follow, making them realize that they are expected to return home.
小朋友出外後都不願回家，家長如何是好？
資料來源：註冊臨床心理學家饒方莉
家長有時候和小朋友外出的時候，常常遇見他們玩得很開心，接着哭了不願意回家，哭得天崩地塌，不管我們用哄還是責罰或者是解釋原因，小朋友也可能繼續持續地哭的，真的不知道該怎麼辦。我們可以如何去面對小朋友這樣的情況？
第一，我們首先要明白小朋友的情緒和問問他背後的原因，甚麼原因令他不想回家？想繼續玩下去？家長可以跟他說：「我也很想知道發生了甚麼事，不如你告訴我吧。」有時候我們臨床會聽到有幾個不同的可能性的，例如可能小朋友說：「我很開心，因為這裡真的很好玩我想繼續玩下去」或者「我很害怕回家，因為回到家後要繼續做功課或者溫習」，又或者是「我很害怕家中的一些長輩，因為他們在的時候可能會罵我。」我們先了解原因，也幫助他說出自己的情緒。
媽媽可以回應：「媽媽聽到了，你很想繼續把這個開心的感覺延續下去」、「媽媽聽到了，你對讀書考試很害怕或者有很大壓力」或是第三「你對家裡一些人很恐懼，跟他相處好像很不開心」。接著，我們可以和小朋友一起去想方法面對以上的情況。
例如第一個情況他很想繼續玩有開心的感覺，我們可以跟他一起想回到家後有甚麼事情，可以令他一樣有開心的感覺。例如他很喜歡看電視、玩平板電腦或者玩board game，不如回到家後繼續玩一些在家中可以玩到的活動或者玩具。
第二個情況可能是害怕一些讀書考試的壓力，媽媽要跟他解釋如何可以面對讀書壓力，例如可以製定一個時間表，不同時候做不同項目或者功課，讓他知道可以有效地完成這些東西後，便可以有玩樂的時間。家長也可以與小朋友進行一些靜觀練習，例如是呼吸及身體素描，讓他感受身體不同部分的感覺，幫助他減少壓力的反應。家長可以跟他一起練習，讓他可以放鬆不用太緊張考試讀書的情況。
如果是跟家中親人的關係，我們也鼓勵親人和孩子有多些玩樂時間，或者他有一些特別喜歡玩的東西便和他一起玩，亦有一些靜心聆聽時間，去聽聽小朋友
聽聽小朋友其實害怕長輩甚麼呢。我們讓他去表達其想法和感覺，靜心聆聽，
讓小朋友感覺到家長是明白他的世界，知道他的需要。
另一個做法就是外出前跟他做一個行為後果的配對表格，就好像做一些心理準備給他，例如今天幾點至幾點我們會去哪一個娛樂場所，寫在那一個表格上面，然後如果小朋友能夠遵守時間，準時在那個娛樂場所離開回家。我們在那個行為後果表上面給他一個獎賞標誌，獲得一個即時獎勵，例如可能是他最喜歡的一個食物或者可以換領一個他最愛的玩具。
如果小朋友在那個娛樂場所內不能離開、哭鬧或遲了回家，我們也會在行為後果配對表上給一個負面標誌，給他一個負面的後果，例如拿走當晚家中全部娛樂，或甚一星期也不能去他最愛的娛樂場所。這個行為後果配對表在外出前要跟小朋友一起商量製訂，每次回家也檢討一下內容是否合適，又或有甚麼可以增加刪減，讓小朋友可以有一個目標跟著做，讓他感覺到其實他是要回家的。
教育局今日（六月一日）提醒家長，二○二三年度小一統一派位結果將於下星期三至星期四（六月七日至八日）透過郵遞方式通知家長。
統一派位結果公布
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教育局發言人表示：「本年度共有20 355名兒童參加小一統一派位，獲派首三個志願學校的兒童共16 688人。」
「自行分配學位及統一派位階段獲派首三個志願學校的兒童數目合計，整體滿意率為91.2%。」
小一入學統一派位階段的學額分為兩個部分，甲部佔統一派位學額的10%，不受學校網限制，家長可選擇不超過三所在任何學校網的學校，餘下九成的統一派位學額屬乙部，家長須選擇申請兒童所屬學校網／選校名單內的學校。在參加統一派位的兒童當中，獲派甲部學額的佔2 284人，獲派乙部學額的佔18 071人。
曾於本年二月五日或之前為子女辦妥統一派位選校手續的家長，將於六月七日至八日，收到由香港郵政透過「本地郵政速遞」派遞的《小一註冊證》。如派遞時無人收件，香港郵政人員會留下「領取郵件通知卡」，家長可於下一個工作天下午開始到指定的郵政局領取上述郵件。倘若家長在六月九日仍未收到《小一註冊證》或由香港郵政發出的「領取郵件通知卡」，可於六月十日至十一日到指定的領取中心取回《小一註冊證》（屆時請參閱教育局小一入學統籌辦法網頁所載詳情）。如家長在「選擇學校表格」內已填寫手提電話號碼，並同意透過該手提電話號碼接收派位結果，他們亦會於六月七日透過電話短訊得知統一派位結果。此外，已使用「智方便」或「智方便+」（www.iamsmart.gov.hk/tc/reg.html）啓動「小一入學電子平台」帳戶的家長，可於六月七日早上十時起透過電子平台查閱統一派位結果。教育局網頁（www.edb.gov.hk/tc/edu-system/primary-secondary/spa-systems/primary-1-admission/POA_ePlatform/index.html）載有短片及家長指南，介紹啓動及登入「小一入學電子平台」帳戶，以及經電子平台查閱派位結果的詳情。
學生註冊手續
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教育局會按申請兒童小一入學申請編號的最後一個數字編配學生家長在六月十三日（星期二）或六月十四日（星期三）的不同時段，到獲派學校辦理註冊手續。各家長須依照《小一註冊證》夾附的《辦理註冊手續安排》，在指定日期及時間前往獲派的學校辦理入學註冊手續。如家長未能於指定日期及時間辦理註冊手續，可於六月十五日（星期四）上午九時至中午十二時或下午二時至四時到學校辦理相關手續。
發言人提醒家長，若因要事未能於上述日期辦理註冊手續，應事先與獲派學校的負責人聯絡，以便另作安排，否則將被視作放棄該學位論。
為內地或海外的申請兒童而設的特別安排
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教育局已為身處內地或海外的申請兒童家長作出特別安排，讓他們可在指定的註冊日期透過授權代表向獲派學校辦理入學註冊手續。教育局已通知所有相關申請學童的家長有關特別安排。
特殊情況的安排
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若有特殊情況，如子女因遷居至另一個學校網，以致原來獲派的學校與住所距離太遠，而家長決定放棄獲派的學位，則不應辦理註冊手續。在此情況下，家長可親自攜同子女的《小一註冊證》及新居地址的證明文件正、副本（例如印有家長或監護人姓名的租約、差餉單、水費單或電費單），前往九龍觀塘偉業街二二三號宏利金融中心二樓二室教育局學位分配組辦理轉校手續。
若學童在辦妥入學註冊手續後，因特殊情況需要自行轉校，家長應先獲得另一所學校答允錄取，才前往原先獲派的學校取回《小一註冊證》，因為當原校把註冊證交回家長時，等同即時取消其子女獲派的學位。
如於公布派位結果期間或在註冊日期內，本港遇上惡劣天氣或其他特殊情況，家長須留意電台及電視台宣布有關統一派位或小一註冊的特別安排。
查詢
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家長可使用教育局的二十四小時自動電話查詢服務（電話：2891 0088），聽取有關小一派位的一般資訊。家長如有個別查詢，可於辦公時間內，以及六月十日（星期六）及十一日（星期日）上午九時至下午四時三十分，致電教育局學位分配組，電話為2832 7610（港島及離島）、2832 7620（九龍）、2832 7635（新界西）、2832 7659（新界東）及2832 7700／2832 7740（一般查詢）。
完2023年6月1日（星期四）
香港時間15時30分
What should parents do when a 3-year-old child throws a tantrum because things don’t go their way?
Source: Clinical psychologist, Yu Kwok Ting, from Caritas Rehabilitation Service
Children often have their own ideas, but sometimes when they encounter something they don’t like, they may resort to crying and throwing a tantrum to try to get their way. However, a child’s crying can often hit a parent’s weak spot and make them give in, which actually sets off a vicious cycle.
We need to understand that the frequency of a child’s behavior is related to its consequences. Simply put, if we do something and the consequence is good, we are more likely to do that behavior again; if we do something and the consequence is bad, we naturally won’t do that behavior again.
Younger children cannot fully grasp their understanding of the world and what they should and should not do. They only have a vague concept, so when parents try to explain to them why they should or should not do something, children may not fully understand even after listening.
If a 3-year-old child is upset before bedtime, parents can set up a reward plan with them. Every child in each family is different, and parents can teach their child: “I will only ask you to go to bed three times at most every night. If you can go to bed within those three times, you will get a sticker or stamp for that day. When you have collected a certain number of stickers or stamps, you can exchange them for a reward.” The reward can be a gift or an activity, such as going to a special place with the family.
When a child refuses to sleep at night and only wants to watch TV, parents need to remind them: “This is the first time we’re reminding you to go to bed.” If they still refuse to go to bed, parents should remind them that they will get a sticker if they go to bed within three reminders. At the same time, parents should bring out a notebook and stickers to show the child. If the child still refuses to go to bed after the second reminder, parents should say, “This is the second reminder; please go to bed. You can still get a sticker if you go to bed now.” If the child still doesn’t comply after the third reminder, parents should say, “We’ve reminded you three times already, and you still haven’t gone to bed. We won’t give you a sticker, and we’ll have to put things away now.”
The child may become emotional and cry, and may even demand stickers or TV. At this time, it’s important for parents not to give in and let the child watch TV or receive a sticker. If the child is able to succeed in getting a sticker or watching TV, they will learn that if they cry for long enough, they will get a good result.
Parents need to be firm and prepared for a prolonged battle at this time. They can remind themselves that this is a difficult but ultimately beneficial process. When the child continues to cry without getting a sticker or TV, they will gradually learn that being emotional doesn’t work. Not only does it not work, but it also means they won’t get a sticker or watch TV, which is not good. Gradually, they will learn not to use this method and will try to do what their parents ask them to do in order to earn stickers.
Parents often feel that using reward programs or tempting children with prizes is not good, and they feel that it is bribery behavior towards children. However, the biggest difference between reward and bribery is time. Usually, bribery occurs when the child is already uncooperative and the parent offers a sticker if the child goes to bed now. This belongs to bribery. But rewards are predetermined in advance and not given when the child is throwing a tantrum or having a mood swing to motivate them to do something good.
Reward items are a way to increase their motivation. Reward items can be gifts or food. If parents feel that it is too materialistic, it can also be an opportunity for an activity or verbal praise. Verbal praise can also increase the child’s motivation. As the child grows up, this kind of reward may not need to be so externalized. They will gradually receive rewards from their parents’ words or actions, and it will become a reward in their own minds.
When they slowly do well, they no longer need external motivation. They will give themselves motivation and think, “I have grown up, I can do it, I am smarter.” So, the reward program does not need to be done for a lifetime, but we need to give them a small incentive when they do not understand the world and their values are not very strong at the beginning, and over time we can gradually reduce the rewards.
Finally, parents need to understand that there are many factors that need to come together for a reward program to be successful. The adults in the family also need to implement the reward program consistently. It cannot be just the father giving stickers while the mother does not.
Secondly, we need to follow through. Thirdly, some things need to be done immediately. For example, if something happens at night, we need to give stickers right away and not wait for a week to do so. Fourthly, we need to be flexible. If the child wants to change the reward item every time, we should cooperate and not give the same gift every month.
If parents have set up a reward program at home and feel that it is not effective, there may be some adjustments needed in these details. If parents feel that it is not very effective, they can seek advice from teachers, social workers in the community, or other professionals to discuss how to adjust the reward program to help children do well.
3歲孩子不順他意就大哭大鬧，爸媽怎做才好？
資料來源：明愛康復服務臨床心理學家余國婷
小朋友很多時候都會有自己的想法，但有時他們遇到不如意的事情就會用哭鬧爭取，而孩子的哭聲往往就像刺中家長的死穴，令家長心軟，繼而妥協，但這其實正正踏上惡性循環。
我們要明白孩子行為出現的頻率，是跟後果有關的。簡單來說如果我們做了一個行為，後果是好的，我們會多做這個行為；如果我們做了一個行為，後果是不好的，我自然就不會再做這個行為。
年紀較小的小朋友對世界的認知和他有甚麼應該做及不應該做，還不能完全掌握。他只有很模糊的概念，所以當家長嘗試解釋給他聽為甚麼你要這樣做或為甚麼你不能這樣做時，小朋友聽完後還是一知半解。
如果一個3歲小朋友在睡覺前鬧情緒，家長可以跟他定一個獎勵計劃。每個家庭的小朋友都會有些不同，家長可以教小朋友：「每晚只會最多說三次請你上床睡覺，如果我說三次內你能夠上床睡覺，你在那天就會有一個貼紙或印章。當你儲到一定數量的貼紙或印章時，就可以換到一個獎勵品了。」獎勵品可以是禮物或是活動機會，例如一家人去一個特別的地方。
當小朋友到了晚上不肯睡覺，只想看電視。爸爸媽媽要先提醒他：「現在是第一次提醒你請你上床睡覺。」當他還不去睡覺的時候，爸媽就要提醒他說：「三次內上床睡覺就會有貼紙了。」同一時間爸媽就要拿出記錄簿和貼紙讓他看見。如果他還未上床睡覺就跟他説：「第二次了，請你上床睡覺，現在上床睡覺還是有貼紙的。」如果第三次之後他還是沒有做到，爸媽就要跟他説：「今天已經説了三次你都沒有上床睡覺，我們沒有貼紙而且要收拾東西了。」
小朋友可能會因而鬧情緒和哭，會鬧著想要貼紙，也會鬧著想看電視。這個時候家長最重要就是不可以讓步，不可以讓他成功看到電視或成功取到貼紙。因為如果他能夠成功取得貼紙或看到電視，小朋友就會學到一件事情，只要他鬧情緒鬧得愈久，就會得到一個很好的結果。
家長在這個時候需要很堅持，同一時間也需要有心理準備，就是時間不會很短。家長可以不斷提醒自己這個持久戰一開始是比較困難，但之後會慢慢變好。當小朋友持續哭鬧也沒有貼紙或沒有電視看的時候，小朋友就會慢慢學到一件事，就是鬧情緒是沒有用的。除了沒有用，連貼紙也沒有，兩個都是不好的事情。慢慢地他就不會用這個方法，會嘗試做到父母要求他做的事情以取得貼紙。
家長很多時候覺得用獎勵計劃或用獎品引誘小朋友做一些事情是不好的，他們會覺得這是一個賄賂小朋友的行為。但其實獎勵和賄賂最大的分別是時間，通常賄賂就是小朋友已經不合作了，家長才提出如果你現在上床睡覺就會有貼紙，這就屬於賄賂。但獎勵是事先已經定好，而不是在他發脾氣或鬧情緒的時候才說出來，讓他們有動機做一些好的事情。
獎勵品對於他們來說就是提高動力，獎勵品可以是禮物或食物，如果家長覺得過於物質化，也可以是活動機會，或是一些口頭上讚賞。口頭上的讚賞也會提高小朋友的動力，當小朋友慢慢長大的時候，這種獎勵的情況未必需要這麼外在化，他會慢慢由父母口中或手中得到獎勵品，變成在自己心中出現獎勵品。
當他慢慢做好的時候，已經不需要外在的動機。因為他會給予自己動機，就會覺得我已經長大了，我可以做到了，我已經更加聰明了。所以說獎勵計劃是不需要一輩子做下去，但是我們需要在一開始他不明白世界的時候，價值觀還未很強的時候，給予他一個小小的動機，久而久之可以慢慢減少獎勵品。
最後家長要明白一件事情，獎勵計劃也有很多因素要加在一起才會成功。家庭裡的大人也要一致做到這個獎勵計劃，不可以只是爸爸給貼紙，媽媽不給貼紙。
第二，我們需要貫徹。第三，有些事情需要很即時，即是當晚發生了馬上就要給貼紙，不可以儲起一個星期才把貼紙給他。第四，需要靈活彈性。如果小朋友每次想要換的禮物都不一樣，我們也要配合，不可以每個月都換同一份禮物。
如果家長在家裡定了獎勵計劃也覺得沒有甚麼用，有機會是這些細節有地方需要再調節。如果家長覺得沒太大作用時，可以找老師或一些社區的社工或一些專業人士，討論一下獎勵計劃有甚麼地方可以再調節得好一點，令小朋友可以做好這個好行為。