Author: system

Punishment or reward?

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/teacher-use-ruler-hit-kids-hand-1141277087

Source: Dr. Law Wai Pak, Assistant Professor of the Department of Psychology at the Education University of Hong Kong and a registered educational psychologist

When it comes to getting their kids to study, many parents feel very frustrated and wish their kids could be self-motivated. When it comes to improving their children’s motivation to learn, many parents first think of using rewards and punishments. But which is more effective, using a stick or a carrot?

In fact, I believe that most modern parents understand that punishment is not a very effective method because it can hurt children’s bodies and undermine their self-esteem. Does this mean that using rewards is more effective? For example, “If you finish your book, you can have a pack of chips.” However, this method also carries hidden risks.

First of all, this reward often has to be constantly increased in order to be effective. Secondly, when there are no rewards, children will not automatically be motivated to study. Besides using punishment and reward, is there a third way?

Here, I would like to introduce three treasures to everyone: “sense of competence,” “sense of autonomy,” and “sense of relatedness.” What is the sense of competence? It is the belief that a child can learn new things and handle challenges. Parents can choose some challenging learning materials or homework that is not too difficult or easy for their children. For example, when they come to the library to choose a book, they should not choose a book with too many difficult words. Children should at least understand 70–80% of the words in the book. In addition, parents should provide more positive and helpful feedback to their children, appreciate their efforts, and brainstorm problem-solving methods with them.

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/young-asian-teacher-giving-boy-high-1827876731

The second thing is the sense of autonomy. Sometimes children may have a high sense of ability, but they will not learn autonomously when they feel oppressed. What can parents do to enhance their children’s sense of autonomy? You can let them make more decisions, encourage them when they study, and only offer help when they need it. Also, don’t give them too many instructions or use rewards and punishments inappropriately, as this can erode their sense of autonomy.

Third, it’s the sense of relationship. Since birth, everyone has had a need to be loved and cared for, and when children feel loved and cared for, they develop trust in their parents. When you ask them to study again, they will take it more seriously. How can parents strengthen their sense of relationship with their children? Listen to them more often, express empathy, and interact with them with a warm attitude. The most important thing is unconditional love, which means loving them regardless of whether their grades are good or bad.

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/mom-hold-daughter-her-arm-child-1718317282

If next time we urge children to study but they refuse, we can start with these three aspects: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Stop and think: How can I satisfy the child’s needs in these three areas? When these three needs are met, children will naturally and automatically learn and grow.

How should parents deal with young children who are overly addicted to cell phone games?

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/excited-asian-schoolboy-backpack-using-smartphone-2053363199

Source: Family Dynamic, Marriage and Family Therapist, and Hypnotherapist, Wong Shi Ming

Phones emit light and sound, which always attracts children to play endlessly. Some children cannot let go of their phones no matter what they are doing, whether it is eating, riding in a car, or going to school. How can parents solve this problem?

First of all, everyone should understand that the children’s reaction is inevitable. Phones can provide a lot of sensory stimulation, and there is no game over. It can be restarted, which gives a sense of accomplishment and can also distance children from the pressure and frustration of parents and school, making them feel invincible. Physiologically speaking, playing electronic games will release a large amount of dopamine in the brain, which excites and stimulates the frontal lobe, and gradually loses self-control. Therefore, many adults cannot control themselves, let alone children?

Children can also be drawn to phones without realizing it, which gives most parents in Hong Kong nightmares today. I see many parents and children caught in a never-ending cycle of struggle and frustration. If not controlled, it not only affects children’s learning but also seriously affects their focus, brain development, health, and eye diseases. Therefore, phone addiction will also be listed as a form of psychological addiction, like alcohol and drugs.

In fact, I have seen a middle school student addicted to playing the mobile game “PUBG,” where he had to pick up items on the ground, some of which could be booby-trapped and explode. What caused him to be hospitalized? He was unable to use his hands to hold objects; instead, he had to touch them lightly, which caused him to feel nervous. He was afraid of using his fingers to pick up things. Therefore, if you discover such a problem, you can handle it early and prevent situations like the one above from happening.

Parents have more experience, wisdom, and resources than their children, and you can’t lose as a parent. Your only weakness is that you love your child too much. You may be too soft-hearted, but you need to know that it’s easy to give but hard to take it back. Therefore, parents should first negotiate a reasonable and feasible plan with their children, such as allowing 30 minutes of playtime per day, but only after they finish their homework.

As for controlling children, parents should first choose an appropriate battlefield, avoiding public places, and the best place is at home. Even when taking the phone away, parents should try to avoid physical contact, such as snatching or unplugging the phone cord, which could harm the relationship with their child. Parents should first use a gentle and affirmative tone to warn their child multiple times. If the child still refuses to hand over the phone, remind him of the consequences he agreed to, and eventually, when he falls asleep, you will be able to retrieve it. But parents must firmly execute the consequences without any room for negotiation, even if it means resorting to negative strategies.

To provide a more positive approach, parents can offer opportunities for their children to engage in outdoor activities together and create a family environment that gives children options, a sense of achievement, and a chance to start over, building their confidence and abilities, all of which can help attract children away from their phones.

Finally, many parents worry that if their child doesn’t have a phone while other children do, it could lead to feelings of inadequacy and concerns about falling behind in their development. So, I know it’s not possible to keep kids away from phones completely, but I think parents should try to keep their kids away from phones for as long as possible, especially when they’re young.

At the same time, parents should be careful and not take this issue lightly. With enough creativity and interaction with their children and by remaining persistent, parents can change their children’s habits.

教養孩子出現分歧時 緊記「迴避不可恥且有用」

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/small-asian-family-portrait-home-2119368080

資料來源：家庭動力心理治療師阮慧敏

在親子互動裡，父母的成長背景、教育程度或者原生家庭都有不同，所以基本上父母對某件事有不同的看法，其實是很正常的。

當真的有不同意見時，父母應找一個平靜的環境，互相傾談自己的角度，各自對問題的看法。無論在甚麼情況下，我們都不希望，父母在孩子面前直接爭吵。舉個例子爸爸可以對媽媽解釋：「我自己不開心的時候或工作壓力大時，我都會用手機發洩及減壓，所以我會覺得小朋友玩手機是沒有問題的。」

而太太也可以對丈夫表示：「其實我希望你支持我，很希望你能夠諒解，其實我照顧小朋友也是很辛苦的。」大家可以在一個平靜及平等的環境下先商量。其實在親職的環境裡，父母的步伐必須一致的。

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/young-couple-life-not-happy-marriage-1747417883

舉個例子爸媽就好像在跳舞，爸爸踏前，媽媽就要退後。爸爸舉高雙手，媽媽就要轉圈，這是一個很自然的步伐。如果能夠配合得這麼順暢，不只跳舞的二人能樂在其中，甚至是旁邊的觀舞者也會陶醉在舞蹈中。但是如果大家各不相讓，一個人踏前，另一個人也要踏前，另一個人希望你能夠配合，而你卻只堅持自己的立場，怎樣都不配合，這場舞蹈就一點也不精彩。

在家庭的環境裡，小朋友往往就是最忠實與忠心的觀舞者，永遠站在大堂中央位置觀看爸媽怎樣去跳舞。所以如果父母跳得一團糟，這位觀舞者也會坐立不安，而整個氣氛也會緊張起來，問題也會更加多，在舞池的爸媽也會互相踐踏

踐踏得更痛。

https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/two-young-children-feeling-sad-boring-1715726677

當真的出現水火不容的情況，父母各持己見，鬧得怒火中燒。我們會提議隨便一方離開現場，不是輸贏和面子的問題，而是讓大家透透氣，伸展一下。大家在家庭環境裡不是一種角力，因為受害者必定會是小朋友。所以在家庭環境裡如果父母是怒火中燒各不相讓時，其實有一方需要先退下來，調理一下怒火離開現場，這樣會比較好一點。